The Danger in Solitude

Everyone appreciates a bit of solitude now and then. Some of us require more than others; introverts being the most obvious example. But as much as periods of solitude can benefit us, allowing us to process, recharge, recover and heal, too much solitude can be quite detrimental.

It’s a fine line to determine, for each individual is different. What amounts as too much for one person, will be not enough for another. Also, once the detrimental effects have begun, being within that insular bubble makes it very hard for that person to recognise that they are no longer being benefitted by their solitude. At the same time, however, our subconscious does know that something is wrong, and attempts to find ways to negate the harm being caused.

In my experience, both personal and seeing it from the outside, the simulation of social interaction seems to be the most common method our subconscious uses. For each person this will be different, though visual and audio stimulation is important for the simulation. RP-style video games wherein ‘you’ interact with other characters in scripted conversations, or video streams, home shopping networks and documentaries wherein the narrator/host is talking directly to their audience; these are the examples that I have personally seen. For myself, my social interaction simulation was RPGs and documentaries. I put hundreds of hours into several different RPGs, each. I watched and re-watched Planet Earth and The Blue Planet so many times, I’d damn near memorised the scripts for each, and when it wasn’t those or other nature documentaries, it was crime documentaries.

This fed my need for social interaction without actually being required to go out and interact with people. I didn’t have to face the anxiety, didn’t need to worry about my fibro flaring up or my disc slipping out while outside the ‘safe’ confines of my home. Barring very specific special events and holidays, the most actual interaction I would have with another person was with the person I lived with. I had convinved myself that this was enough. I didn’t ‘need’ people around me more regularly than what I got; after all, I like my solitude.

I was fooling myself, in a very large way.

Battling depression is hard enough when you’re not isolated. When you are, it’s damn near impossible. And thus the cycle began. The more depressed I became, the more I retreated into solitude so that I wouldn’t ‘bother’ anyone. The more secluded I made myself, the more depressed I became.

It was more than just losing the fight against depression, however. My overall health deteriorated as well. Illness and depression feed one another. As my fibromyalgia symptoms became more apparent, my depression latched onto the initial feelings of helplessness and hopelessness and amplified them. This was further added to by my back problems worsening and not knowing the cause -- and once the prolapsed disc was diagnosed, it being deemed ‘not severe enough’ to fix was another thing to feed the beast. And as the depression grew worse, my ability to properly manage my conditions grew worse as well.

“Why bother?”
“Nothing can be done to fix it anyway.”
“It’s too much effort.”
“I’ll only feel worse for trying.”
“I can’t risk doing anything that’ll make the pain worse.”

Those were the types of thoughts that would circle endlessly through my head, further locking me into my solitude. And that last thought in the list was the one that lessened my ability to take care of myself and my living environment full stop. My diet became atrocious because cooking a proper, healthy meal was too much effort, not only in the prep and process, but including the clean-up. Thus, even using dishes sparingly, the dirty washing piled up. Clean laundry turned into a mountain that needed sorting. Books, DVDs, crafting supplies, console games, camera and computer gadgets all spread out to fill rooms in stacks. Anything else just got dumped in the spare room ‘to be dealt with later.’

As one might expect, the state of the house made me too ashamed to allow anyone to see it, so no one was ever invited over, and thus my social interaction was limited further.

I was locked in a hell of my own making, and not only did I not know how to break out of it, but I barely even recognised I was in it. I was too busy hiding in video games and documentaries. And even when I did start to break out, I still didn’t want to see just how bad it really was. Admitting it would mean that the horrible voice of the depression monster was right all along; that I was nothing more than a useless, lazy slob unworthy of friendship or love. Nevermind the very real physical health issues that began the cycle in the first place. I hadn’t coped, I hadn’t dealt with them ‘properly,’ and therefor I had failed abyssmally at life and at being a person. Because that’s part of how depression works. It takes a real thing, a valid thing, a thing that is not your fault and that you had no choice in whether or not it happened, and twists it into something that is totally your fault and that you could have prevented if only you weren’t such a despicable failure at everything.

Breaking out of the self-imposed trap wasn’t easy, and I seriously doubt I would have been able to do it on my own. I had help; help that deep down I’d known I needed, but that even if I’d known how to, I was too afraid to ask for. My fortune came in that it was offered anyway, and though I didn’t accept it -- didn’t want to, because then I’d have to face the reality of the lie I’d been telling myself -- the offer was never rescinded. It was, truthfully, kind of forced upon me, but that wasn’t a bad thing. There are times when it is more important that a person recongise the need for, and request, help. And then there are times when they have to be grabbed by the scruff of the neck and dragged out before they can fully realise the trouble they’re in and begin to do something to get themselves out of it.

When one spends too much time in solitude, their perception of reality becomes warped. They have only their own input defining the ‘truth’ of their circumstances. With no other input, they are limited only to what they can ‘see’ from the inside, and slowly but surely, they go a kind of crazy. That’s not the sort of situation one can snap out of without some kind of external catalyst.

By our very natures, we humans are social creatures. Even those of us who consider ourselves to be ‘loners’ still require a social group. Denying ourselves that, no matter what the reasons we have for doing so, only brings us harm.

Crafting Magic

In most of the books and websites I’ve read regarding spellwork, there’s always an entire list of props that are deemed ‘necessary.’ The list varies depending on factors such as the Path of the practitioner, the complexity of the spell’s purpose, whether or not it’s ritual, practical, or a combination, etc. For myself, I have found a lot of the prep-work that’s so often put forward as necessary... isn’t.

There are some steps that I won’t skip over because yes, they are important. But the level of ceremony I put into them is much less than many practitioners would consider appropriate. I don’t believe it’s necessary to have either a wand or an athame to cast a circle, for example, nor do I feel the need to have an elaborate set up with items symbolising all of the elements, or specific gods/goddesses/spirits. My personal take on many of these props is not that they themselves have any specific energies that are inherent to them, but that we ourselves imbue them with said energies and the use of them is not so much because they’re required for the actual spell, but that the placing and use of them act as physical keys to help us settle into the required mental and emotional state to begin.

Personally, I find it very easy to attain an appropriate mental state without taking a bunch of actions first, so much of my spellwork is done only with the components required for the actual purpose of said spell. I mainly work with candles and gemstones, with herbs and flowers only used occasionally. I meditate and visualise to bring myself to the required state, and my placement of protective circles and wards against negative spirits and energies is done with visualisation. I don’t need to walk the physical boundaries of a Circle for it t exist -- walking or not, the placement of it is a matter of will, not physical action.

This is my process, and it works for me. Spellcraft, like so many other things, does not have any One True Way in which it has to be performed. The only key thing one should never neglect, whether they choose to set up a complete altar near the area of their Workings, or simply place a crystal and a stick of incense, is the protections. Make a physical circle of chalk or salt, walk your circle with wand or athame, simply visualise it being brought up around you, or some other method you find works for you, but always create the protective circle before beginning spell work.

While I don’t believe that a bunch of physical props or spoken cantrips are necessary components of spellwork, I do believe that imbuing physical items with the energies associated with one’s intent is a more effective method than simply releasing those energies out into the Aether to either reach the intended recipient or not. Being an individual who is very much into the creating of things through various mediums -- knitting, crochet, bead- and leatherwork, among others -- it seemed only natural to me to combine the two. Even when a project can take several days, weeks, or even months to complete, as long as one only works on it when in the correct mindset and emotional state, one can imbue that item with the energies required for a specific purpose.

The most... commonplace, I suppose... example would be prayer shawls. Regardless of one’s personal spiritual or religious beliefs, or lack thereof, the idea of a prayer shawl is to knit or crochet a shawl for someone going through a difficult time. Illness, a tough period in their life, etc. While working on said shawl, the crafter thinks positive thoughts for and about the intended recipient, and only works on it while in a positive mental and emotional state. It’s a Working of love and compassion. Belief in magic and/or higher powers is not a prerequisite of a prayer shawl, nor does the term ‘prayer shawl’ even need to be applied to the item. It’s the intent of the gift and the feelings of the giver toward the recipient that are ultimately the only important things. A gift given with true love and caring will carry with it those positive energies whether or not either the giver or recipient believes in any special Power.

This can be applied to any item one can create. Quilts, jewellery, clothing, ornaments, decorations, even toys.

If one, like me, does believe in the inherent magical energies of certain items, such as gemstones and plants, one can incorporate those into the crafting. Decorating an item with gemstone beads that amplify the energies for a desired result, or creating a small pouch to fill with stones and/or herbs to insert into a stuffed toy or pillow, or simply incorporating symbols into a design, whether beading, embroidery, created with intarsia or fair isle, or whatever other method suits your specific craft.

Even in this, I don’t believe such components are necessary. I have used them, and undoubtedly will continue to in the future. But my belief is that ultimately, spellwork is a matter of one’s own mindset and will. Simply by working while in a positive mental and emotional state, and keeping the ultimate purpose forefront in one’s mind, one can engage in spellcraft. It’s a matter of one’s own beliefs and choice as to whether or not to incorporate a request to spirits or deities to strengthen or ‘bless’ the Working. The majority of the energy and power that goes into said spell is personal power; you pull in the energy, you provide the intent, be it a Cleansing, or a Warding, or any of a myriad of other ‘spell’ types.

Myself, I tend to only do protective and healing spellwork. My own morals and ethics don’t allow for spells meant to increase luck, bring monetary fortune, or attract love. Even with my belief that the majority of the power that goes into spellwork is personal power, there is still the importance of intent. Selfish intentions, or the desire to manipulate and ultimately warp another’s will, no matter how well-meaning one might be in such an undertaking, are still things that will attract negative energies and malicious spirits.

Regardless of how much -- or how little -- validity one puts into the idea of spellwork, one must always exercise caution when imbuing an item with intent, and respect the power of that intent.

Breaking The Long Silence

Change is never easy. Even when one is forewarned and has time to prepare -- a planned move, a new job, etc. -- when the moment of change is upon us, it is tumultuous. To different degrees, true, but still an upheaval. Sometimes the chaos can only be likened to a severe storm, as it picks you up, spins you about, and sets you back down again unsure which way is up or what direction you are facing, yourself and possibly others potentially hurting. Even if the change is, in the end, one for the better rather than worse.

The end of last year saw a big change happen in my life, sudden and unexpected. Everything I had come to accept as ‘this is how my life is’ got turned on its head, and I moved to a new city. It left me shaken and disoriented, needing to find my feet again and floundering to figure out which direction this fork in my path was going to take me. There were mistakes and upsets, tangled threads that caused hurt to more people than just myself. Four months later, and there’s still debris to be picked up and cleared out, but finally, things are settling again.

I have long been a firm believer in the concept that nothing happens without reason, even if that reason isn’t readily apparent at the time. If ever. While often figuring out the ‘why’ is important, personally I think that in times like this, it’s less the ‘why’ and more the ‘what next’ that needs to be focused on. ‘Why’ can all too often be a paralysing question, trapping the asker in one place as they try to figure out the answer. ‘What next’ keeps the forward momentum of life going, and even if you need to take one step back for every two forward, you are still going forward.

I can see a future now that leaves me feeling hopeful, rather than just resigned. Despite the pain and heartache, I know this change is one that, ultimately, is for the better.

I’m happier. My health is improving. It’s definitely not all sunshine and daisies, but dwelling on the negative is just as paralytic as focusing solely on the ‘why.’ There’s also far more good to be had with this change than bad. So that’s what I’m focusing on.

One small, but definite good thing, is that my desire to write has returned. Things I had wanted to write about before, that have been lying dormant as my energies have been directed elsewhere, are now bubbling back to the surface, poking me with phrases trying to capture my attention.

Now if only those pokes would come during the day when I'm actually awake and can write, instead of at night after I've not just turned the computer off, but also curled up in bed and am 3/4 of the way asleep. Meef.