Breaking The Long Silence

Change is never easy. Even when one is forewarned and has time to prepare -- a planned move, a new job, etc. -- when the moment of change is upon us, it is tumultuous. To different degrees, true, but still an upheaval. Sometimes the chaos can only be likened to a severe storm, as it picks you up, spins you about, and sets you back down again unsure which way is up or what direction you are facing, yourself and possibly others potentially hurting. Even if the change is, in the end, one for the better rather than worse.

The end of last year saw a big change happen in my life, sudden and unexpected. Everything I had come to accept as ‘this is how my life is’ got turned on its head, and I moved to a new city. It left me shaken and disoriented, needing to find my feet again and floundering to figure out which direction this fork in my path was going to take me. There were mistakes and upsets, tangled threads that caused hurt to more people than just myself. Four months later, and there’s still debris to be picked up and cleared out, but finally, things are settling again.

I have long been a firm believer in the concept that nothing happens without reason, even if that reason isn’t readily apparent at the time. If ever. While often figuring out the ‘why’ is important, personally I think that in times like this, it’s less the ‘why’ and more the ‘what next’ that needs to be focused on. ‘Why’ can all too often be a paralysing question, trapping the asker in one place as they try to figure out the answer. ‘What next’ keeps the forward momentum of life going, and even if you need to take one step back for every two forward, you are still going forward.

I can see a future now that leaves me feeling hopeful, rather than just resigned. Despite the pain and heartache, I know this change is one that, ultimately, is for the better.

I’m happier. My health is improving. It’s definitely not all sunshine and daisies, but dwelling on the negative is just as paralytic as focusing solely on the ‘why.’ There’s also far more good to be had with this change than bad. So that’s what I’m focusing on.

One small, but definite good thing, is that my desire to write has returned. Things I had wanted to write about before, that have been lying dormant as my energies have been directed elsewhere, are now bubbling back to the surface, poking me with phrases trying to capture my attention.

Now if only those pokes would come during the day when I'm actually awake and can write, instead of at night after I've not just turned the computer off, but also curled up in bed and am 3/4 of the way asleep. Meef.